tonight i wanted to kill myself thinking
for some reason that the world did not
need me, knowing that without me it would
continue. i didn’t. instead i ran cold metal
across my skin and watched as pale beige
became vibrant red and weeped, knowing
that i hated it but loved the feeling.
tonight i fathomed, for a second, that nobody
misses me now and would not miss me again
if, heaven forbid, i should vanish or end, suddenly
beautiful and young. i cannot fathom, even now,
growing old and reminiscing on a past that was
probably not happy enough, nor extravagant.
tonight i wanted to kill myself but could not.