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tonight i wanted to kill myself thinking

for some reason that the world did not

need me, knowing that without me it would

continue. i didn’t. instead i ran cold metal

across my skin and watched as pale beige

became vibrant red and weeped, knowing

that i hated it but loved the feeling.

tonight i fathomed, for a second, that nobody

misses me now and would not miss me again

if, heaven forbid, i should vanish or end, suddenly

beautiful and young. i cannot fathom, even now,

growing old and reminiscing on a past that was

probably not happy enough, nor extravagant.

tonight i wanted to kill myself but could not.

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