You are the reason I lie, when my
Friends ask why, oh why, I would ever
Choose to abandon my home and
My sister and brothers, my father
And mother to evanesce to the home
That was not mine before.
Your fists are the reason I learnt
not to cry, when I explain, slowly,
Softly, omitting the truth of the home
To which I was born, of how and why
It came to be I left my family, and
Why now I live with another.
Her blood is the reason I grew to
Love another maternal and distance
Myself from those I should have been
Closest to, who shared my past and
Bore the scars that I bore, deep and fresh,
You are the reason why I wince
When I hear the blaring of sirens or
The crying of women, the screaming of
Children, too young to understand that
It is not true pain they feel, as they
Stomp feet for a chocolate, or sweet.
You are the reason I can never stay, too
Long in the presence of one person, the
Reason I fear at every turn that I antagonize,
Or spurn; because it was always my fault,
The reason you would scream and shout,
Swing and hit; strike.
You are the reason, even now, I can never
Truthfully say that I was happy, am happy,
Can never feel love without condition or that
I am undeserving of hatred of scorn, or
That life is just and full of love. The reason I
will always fear and fret.
You are the reason I fear alcohol, and myself,
That I should be you, your shadow or duplicate
The actions you once cast; that I will be the beast
I saw destroy his home, our home, who threw plates
And yanked hair; threw a body down the stairs
And never thought of consequence of action.
You are the reason that I blamed myself,
not you, for years, my life, believing I caused
The strife in our family, the divide; that my birth
Was cursed and broken- a devil sent omen that
Split and separate, destroyed, burnt, desecrated
Our family home from love and happiness to a
Broken, beaten woman and an angry, raging father.